Today we will be discussing an all too common species of dueschbag: The Offended. You see there are so many of these assholes that you can't refer to them singularly, you have to always refer to them in plural form. As a way to increase their effectiveness they have merged themselves into a massive clusterf*** of offended people, so it is actually impossible to refer to them singularly. If you ever see an enormous ball of people rolling down the street and bulldozing anything that perturbs them, then you have just witnessed "The Offended". This specimen's primary food source is any and all opinions that don't agree with the way they've been raised. They have the ability to engorge themselves on that food source and then shit out a hefty ton of complaints. Their sole purpose on this planet is to alter all customs/practices/behaviors so that it suits them and their beliefs. It doesn't matter if it doesn't offend 99.9999% of the universe, if they don't agree with it then it should be taken down immediately. These people are all too delicate and much too important to be bothered by any differing opinions or perspectives. No, they must be sheltered and everyone else must put in the effort to help shelter these delicate souls. Whats this you say? You don't like the president and you want to express your dissent? Quick, somebody cut that man's larynx out and launch it into the sun before he offends somebody! God forbid that he hurts someone's feelings! Holy shitballs, that would bring about the end of society! As long as we keep making major policy changes to accommodate a minority of pompous, self-important vaginas then I think we'll be alright.
So if someone is offended by some foul language they heard in a movie, well then f.uck, its time to ban foul language. Then someone else was offended by nudity in that same movie, well fudge, time to ban nudity. Sorry humanity, no more sex. I don't care if we need it to persist, someone's feelings were hurt because they saw a body that was not fully clothed. You think homosexuality is unethical? I guess its time for some good ol' fashioned genocide. You believe in creationism instead of evolution? Sorry teacher, your gunna have to start teaching bullshit instead of facts now.
Well you know what, my religion is Dumbass. We believe that at the beginning of the universe, which was a hundred years ago, Satan took a squat and shit out algebra, calculus, basic counting, and pretty much everything else associated with numbers. So unless you people want to hurt my feelings you are going to stop teaching math, stop using currency, stop calculating equations for engineering, manufacturing, science, etc, or we will piss our pants and start crying. Do not fear, humanity, we know a way to substitute the evil numbers with something more effective. Instead of using numbers, simply run to the nearest body of water while wearing no pants and submerge your head until the answer to your problem is given to you.
Wait a second... I think that I've... no its too crazy. But wait... maybe it could work... maybe, just maybe...
People of blogster, your king has just had a revelation. It is such an Earth shattering revelation that I advise children and women to leave the room, your dog can stay though. I think that I've just invented a method of curing the Offended epidemic. I don't want to get too excited but I really think that I've got it. It doesn't require any medications or expensive surgeries, you only have to follow four easy steps upon encountering something that offends. Here they are:
Step 1: turn in opposite direction of that which offends.
Step 2: put left foot forward
Step 3: put right foot forward.
Step 4: repeat.
7 comments on F.uck the Offended
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Lol. Great post. There is the irony of being so offended by the offended... but no matter.
Siggy
There is some subtle irony in all of my posts, congratulations on unveiling the irony in this one. I'm so proud of you SigmaX...so proud... I remember when you were just a little tot, didn't even know what irony was, and now you're pointing out irony like it was your bitch. You know, I may not have made the best decisions when you were growing up and I may not have been around as much as I should have been but I just need to tell you that I love you son. I hope that you don't repeat the mistakes that I've made with you when you have your kids.
Oh, and by the way, I had to sell one of your kidneys to settle some gambling debts when you were 4. Thats why there's that scar there.My bad.
Ok, so now you've made a point. And, you know what? Part of what makes people take a stand, whether it be a good one or not, is when something does offend them. Otherwise, they just sit around and do nothing about anything, either not caring or not caring enough. Offend them, though, and watch it!
I still don't like offense when it is a downright lie or a hate attack, but offending can make one stronger if the offended really does give a hoot. And, I do "get" irony... I also "get" irony when it ceases to exist and starts becoming something else. So, in this case, I get your point. It's too bad that the point even has to exist, though, because then we wouldn't have anything like this to have to write, read, or live with.
Such offense can cause phycological, mental, emotional, and rarely physical. (Your stupid! O GODZ GUYZ, I CANTZ FEEL MY FINGURRZEFIOSH! Cry)
Im bored. You get that job? Imma go reaply again nowz.
Na, I've applied at Carmike Cinemas and I'm going in for an interview on thursday. So in other words I got the job. w00t!
death to the offended
ha i love it (: you're genius